In my head I know that every day is a day for thanksgiving. I know that and I practice that. Gratitude is part of my internal culture. Some days more than others I just feel it in my bones. God is SO good to me.
This morning I sit in my quiet place reflecting, listening, communing with my Heavenly Father. I have spoken my thanks to Him. Now I want to share publicly.
Do you ever stumble across a place in your heart that is just dark? I’m not talking about something you are intentionally shutting off from the Lord, not about secret sin. I just mean a place where there is no light. A hopeless place.
As a believer, I like to think that light shines in all the places of my heart. I have trusted Jesus as my Savior since my youth. His Spirit resides in me. Eternal life is mine. That life is now, not just after I die.
God took me as I am. He didn’t wait for me to get every area of my life straight before He took up residence. He walks with me. He holds my hand, so to speak. I’m starting to think this is my life message.
While I generally have a positive and hope-filled outlook on life, there has been exactly one area cloaked in darkness for years. Twenty-three plus years into this, I had given up on ever being happy in my marriage. I consciously committed myself to staying, but my marriage remained a place of pain. I could see my own brokenness but could not fix it. I could worship the Lord and could commune with Him in my quiet place. I could work hard at my job and could volunteer at church and in the community and feel good about those things, but at home I hurt.
In January the missions department told us they would postpone our application for a year and that one of the three reasons was to give us time to work on our marriage. On the way home I said out loud to my husband that I would go to the counseling they recommended but that I had absolutely no hope that it would do any lasting good. I knew that our leaders were right in their decision, and I was oh so grateful that they offered us resources to help instead of simply showing us the door. I just had no reasonable expectation that things could really change.
Inside that two hour ride home hope began to stir in my heart. I trust the Lord. I just do. It might be a gift. I started believing that God was going to do a miracle in my life and that I would give hope to other women who have given up on intimacy.
As the time approached for our ten day intensive with Ministry Resources International, doubt closed in. How much difference could I expect after ten days when I had 23+ years under my belt? While I couldn’t believe for real connection, I did trust God.
One morning the first week of receiving ministry, I walked alone. In my heart I “looked” at that dark pit inside of me and said to the Lord I was afraid to go down there. He reminded me that He was right there with me and would hold my hand all the way. He did.
Indeed, I experienced a breakthrough day eight. God is good to me. He is so faithful. When He says I will walk with you, He means it. When He holds your hand you can go anywhere, even dark pits in the heart.
I am beginning a new leg of my life journey. This time I’m holding two hands, Jesus’ and my husband’s. We are in this together. We have a long ways to go and mountains to climb. The goal is not a destination. The goal is connection along the journey. As long as we stay together we win. By God’s grace I will learn to love not only those at a comfortable distance but also the one who is close enough to get under my skin.
I say “thank you” all the time to the Lord and to other people, but now I grasp for stronger words. This morning my soul pours out gratitude.
Thank you, God, for your mercy on my life. You are the very definition of faithfulness. You blessed me with a husband who is loyal even through years of disconnection. You gave us leaders who see value in broken people. Thank you for intercessors helping fight the spiritual battle for our breakthrough and for believing counselors to walk beside us, who listen to your voice and depend on Holy Spirit. Thank you that we have been able to take this time away to receive ministry. Your light now shines on that once dark place in my heart. I have a new hope. Now I can fight the good fight.
Abba, may my life bring you the glory you deserve. Amen.
To the Ends of the Earth 